Day19: Cultivating Community

 Cultivating Community

You can develop a healthy, robust community

that lives right with God and enjoy its 

results only if you do the hard work 

of getting along with each other, treating 

each other with dignity and honor.

James 3:18 (Msg)

They committed themselves to the teaching 

of the apostles, the life together, 

the common meal, and the prayers.

Acts 2:42 (Msg)

Community requires commitment. 

Only the Holy Spirit can create real fellowship between

believers, but he cultivates it with the choices and commitments

we make. Paul points out this dual responsibility when he says,

“You are joined together with peace through the Spirit, so make every

effort to continue together in this way.” 1 It takes both God’s power

and our effort to produce a loving Christian community. 

Unfortunately, many people grow up in families with unhealthy

relationships, so they lack the relational skills needed for real

fellowship. They must be taught how to get along with and relate

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to others in God’s family. Fortunately, the New Testament is filled

with instruction on how to share life together. Paul wrote, “I am

writing these things to you . . . [so] you will know how to live in the

family of God. That family is the church.” 2

If you’re tired of fake fellowship and you would like to cultivate

real fellowship and a loving community in your small group,

Sunday school class, and church, you’ll need to make some tough

choices and take some risks.

Cultivating community takes honesty. You will have to care

enough to lovingly speak the truth, even when you would rather

gloss over a problem or ignore an issue. While it is much easier to

remain silent when others around us are harming themselves or

others with a sinful pattern, it is not the loving thing to do. Most

people have no one in their lives who loves them

enough to tell them the truth (even when it’s

painful), so they continue in self-destructive ways.

Often we know what needs to be said to someone,

but our fears prevent us from saying anything.

Many fellowships have been sabotaged by fear: No

one had the courage to speak up in the group while a

member’s life fell apart.

The Bible tells us to “speak the truth in love” 3

because we can’t have community without candor. Solomon said,

“An honest answer is a sign of true friendship.” 4 Sometimes this

means caring enough to lovingly confront one who is sinning or

is being tempted to sin. Paul says, “Brothers and sisters, if someone

in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go

to that person and gently help make him right again.” 5

Many church fellowships and small groups remain superficial

because they are afraid of conflict. Whenever an issue pops up that

might cause tension or discomfort, it is immediately glossed over

in order to preserve a false sense of peace. Mr. “Don’t Rock the

Boat” jumps in and tries to smooth everyone’s ruffled feathers,

the issue is never resolved, and everyone lives with an underlying

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frustration. Everyone knows about the problem, but no one talks

about it openly. This creates a sick environment of secrets where

gossip thrives. Paul’s solution was straightforward: “No more lies,

no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re

all connected to each other, after all.

When you lie to others, you end up

lying to yourself.” 6

Real fellowship, whether in a

marriage, a friendship, or your

church, depends on frankness. In

fact, the tunnel of conflict is the

passageway to intimacy in any

relationship. Until you care enough to confront and resolve the

underlying barriers, you will never grow close to each other.

When conflict is handled correctly, we grow closer to each other

by facing and resolving our differences. The Bible says, “In the

end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery.” 7

Frankness is not a license to say anything you want, wherever

and whenever you want. It is not rudeness. The Bible tells us

there is a right time and a right way to do everything.8

Thoughtless words leave lasting wounds. God tells us to speak to

each other in the church as loving family members: “Never use

harsh words when you correct an older man, but talk to him as if he

were your father. Talk to younger men as if they were your brothers,

older women as if they were your mothers, and younger women as if

they were your sisters.” 9

Sadly, thousands of fellowships have been destroyed by a lack of

honesty. Paul had to rebuke the Corinthian church for their passive

code of silence in allowing immorality in their fellowship. Since no

one had the courage to confront it, he said, “You must not simply

look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the

open and deal with it.... Better devastation and embarrassment than

damnation.... You pass it off as a small thing, but it’s anything but

that.... you shouldn’t act as if everything is just fine when one of your

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When conflict is 

handled correctly, 

we grow closer to each other.

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Christian companions is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with God or

rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can’t

just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. I’m not

responsible for what the outsiders do, but don’t we have some

responsibility for those within our community of believers?” 10

Cultivating community takes humility. Self-importance,

smugness, and stubborn pride destroy fellowship faster than

anything else. Pride builds walls between people; humility builds

bridges. Humility is the oil that smoothes and soothes

relationships. That’s why the Bible says, “Clothe yourselves with

humility toward one another.” 11 The proper dress for fellowship is

a humble attitude.

The rest of that verse says, “. . . because, God opposes the proud

but gives grace to the humble.” 12 This is the other reason we need

to be humble: Pride blocks God’s grace in our lives, which we

must have in order to grow, change, heal, and help others. We

receive God’s grace by humbly admitting that we need it. The

Bible says anytime we are prideful, we are living in opposition to

God! That is a foolish and dangerous way to live.

You can develop humility in very practical ways: by admitting

your weaknesses, by being patient with others’ weaknesses, by

being open to correction, and by

pointing the spotlight on others.

Paul advised, “Live in harmony with

each other. Don’t try to act

important, but enjoy the company of

ordinary people. And don’t think you

know it all!” 13 To the Christians in

Philippi he wrote, “Give more honor

to others than to yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own

life, but be interested in the lives of others.” 14

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of

yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others. Humble people

are so focused on serving others, they don’t think of themselves.

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Humility is not thinking 

less of yourself; it is thinking 

of yourself less.

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Cultivating community takes courtesy. Courtesy is

respecting our differences, being considerate of each other’s

feelings, and being patient with people who irritate us. The Bible

says, “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts

and fears of others.” 15 Paul told Titus, “God’s

people should be bighearted and courteous.” 16

In every church and in every small group,

there is always at least one “difficult” person,

usually more than one. These people may have

special emotional needs, deep insecurities, irritating mannerisms,

or poor social skills. You might call them EGR people—“Extra

Grace Required.”

God put these people in our midst for both their benefit and

ours. They are an opportunity for growth and a test of fellowship:

Will we love them as brothers and sisters and treat them with

dignity?

In a family, acceptance isn’t based on how smart or beautiful or

talented you are. It’s based on the fact that we belong to each

other. We defend and protect family. A family member may be a

little goofy, but she’s one of us. In the same way, the Bible says,

“Be devoted to each other like a loving family. Excel in showing

respect for each other.” 17

The truth is, we all have quirks and annoying traits. But

community has nothing to do with compatibility. The basis for

our fellowship is our relationship to God: We’re family.

One key to courtesy is to understand where people are coming

from. Discover their history. When you know what they’ve been

through, you will be more understanding. Instead of thinking

about how far they still have to go, think about how far they have

come in spite of their hurts. 

Another part of courtesy is not downplaying other people’s

doubts. Just because you don’t fear something doesn’t make it an

invalid feeling. Real community happens when people know it is

safe enough to share their doubts and fears without being judged.

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DAY NINETEEN:

CULTIVATING

COMMUNITY

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Cultivating community takes confidentiality. Only in the

safe environment of warm acceptance and trusted confidentiality

will people open up and share their deepest hurts, needs, and

mistakes. Confidentiality does not mean keeping silent while your

brother or sister sins. It means that what is shared in your group

needs to stay in your group, and the group needs to deal with it,

not gossip to others about it.

God hates gossip, especially when it is thinly disguised as a

“prayer request” for someone else. God says, “Gossip is spread by

wicked people; they stir up trouble

and break up friendships.” 18 Gossip

always causes hurt and divisions,

and it destroys fellowship, and God

is very clear that we are to confront

those who cause division among

Christians.19 They may get mad and

leave your group or church if you

confront them about their divisive actions, but the fellowship of

the church is more important than any individual.

Cultivating community takes frequency. You must have

frequent, regular contact with your group in order to build

genuine fellowship. Relationships take time. The Bible tells us,

“Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing.

Instead, let us encourage one another.” 20 We are to develop the

habit of meeting together. A habit is something you do with

frequency, not occasionally. You have to spend time with

people—a lot of time—to build deep relationships. This is why

fellowship is so shallow in many churches; we don’t spend enough

time together, and the time we do spend is usually listening to

one person speak.

Community is built not on convenience (“we’ll get together

when I feel like it”) but on the conviction that I need it for

spiritual health. If you want to cultivate real fellowship, it will

mean meeting together even when you don’t feel like it, because

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The fellowship of the church 

is more important than 

any individual.

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you believe it is important. The first Christians met together every

day! “They worshiped together regularly at the Temple each day, met

in small groups in homes for Communion, and shared their meals

with great joy and thankfulness.” 21 Fellowship requires an

investment of time.

If you are a member of a small group or class, I urge you to

make a group covenant that includes the nine characteristics of

biblical fellowship: We will share our true feelings (authenticity),

encourage each other (mutuality), support each other (sympathy),

forgive each other (mercy), speak the truth in love (honesty),

admit our weaknesses (humility), respect our differences,

(courtesy), not gossip (confidentiality), and make group a priority

(frequency). 

When you look at the list of characteristics, it is obvious why

genuine fellowship is so rare. It means giving up our self-

centeredness and independence in order to become

interdependent. But the benefits of sharing life together far

outweigh the costs, and it prepares us for heaven. 

Day Nineteen

Thinking about My Purpose

Point to Ponder: Community requires commitment.

Verse to Remember: “We understand what love is when

we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we

must give our lives for other believers.” 1 John 3:16 (GWT)

Question to Consider: How can I help cultivate today

the characteristics of real community in my small group

and my church?

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