Day20: Restoring Broken Fellowship

 Restoring Broken Fellowship

[God] has restored our relationship 

with him through Christ, and has given 

us this ministry of restoring relationships.

2 Corinthians 5:18 (GWT)

Relationships are always worth restoring.

Because life is all about learning how to love, God wants us to

value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of

discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt, or a conflict. In fact,

the Bible tells us that God has given us the ministry of restoring

relationships.1 For this reason a significant amount of the New

Testament is devoted to teaching us how to get along with one

another. Paul wrote, “If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following

Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a

community of the Spirit means anything to you,... Agree with each

other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends.” 2 Paul taught that our

ability to get along with others is a mark of spiritual maturity.3

Since Christ wants his family to be known for our love for each

other,4 broken fellowship is a disgraceful testimony to unbelievers.

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This is why Paul was so embarrassed that the members of the

church in Corinth were splitting into warring factions and even

taking each other to court. He wrote, “Shame on you! Surely there

is at least one wise person in your fellowship who can settle a dispute

between fellow Christians.” 5 He was shocked that no one in the

church was mature enough to resolve the conflict peaceably. In

the same letter, he said, “I’ll put it as urgently as I can: You must

get along with each other.” 6

If you want God’s blessing on your life and you want to be

known as a child of God, you must learn to be a peacemaker.

Jesus said, “God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be

called the children of God.” 7 Notice Jesus didn’t say, “Blessed are

the peace lovers,” because everyone loves peace. Neither did he

say, “Blessed are the peaceable,” who are never disturbed by

anything. Jesus said, “Blessed are those who work for peace”—

those who actively seek to resolve conflict. Peacemakers are rare

because peacemaking is hard work.

Because you were formed to be a part of God’s family and the

second purpose of your life on earth is to learn how to love and

relate to others, peacemaking is one of the most important skills

you can develop. Unfortunately, most of us were never taught

how to resolve conflict.

Peacemaking is not avoiding conflict. Running from a problem,

pretending it doesn’t exist, or being afraid to talk about it

is actually cowardice. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, was

never afraid of conflict. On occasion he provoked it

for the good of everyone. Sometimes we need to

avoid conflict, sometimes we need to create it, and

sometimes we need to resolve it. That’s why we must

pray for the Holy Spirit’s continual guidance.

Peacemaking is also not appeasement. Always giving

in, acting like a doormat, and allowing others to always run

over you is not what Jesus had in mind. He refused to back down

on many issues, standing his ground in the face of evil opposition.

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How to Restore a Relationship

As believers, God has “called us to settle our relationships with

each other.” 8 Here are seven biblical steps to restoring fellowship:

Talk to God before talking to the person. Discuss the

problem with God. If you will pray about the conflict first instead

of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either God

changes your heart or he changes the other person without your

help. All your relationships would go smoother if

you would just pray more about them.

As David did with his psalms, use prayer to

ventilate vertically. Tell God your frustrations.

Cry out to him. He’s never surprised or upset by

your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other

emotions. So tell him exactly how you feel.

Most conflict is rooted in unmet needs. Some of these needs

can only be met by God. When you expect anyone—a friend,

spouse, boss, or family member—to meet a need that only God

can fulfill, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and

bitterness. No one can meet all of your needs except God.

The apostle James noted that many of our conflicts are caused

by prayerlessness: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? . . .

You want something but don’t get it. . . . You do not have, because

you do not ask God.” 9 Instead of looking to God, we look to

others to make us happy and then get angry when they fail us.

God says, “Why don’t you come to me first?”

Always take the initiative. It doesn’t matter whether you are

the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first

move. Don’t wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring

broken fellowship is so important, Jesus commanded that it even

take priority over group worship. He said, “If you enter your place

of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a

grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave

immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only

then, come back and work things out with God.” 10

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DAY TWENTY:

RESTORING

BROKEN

FELLOWSHIP

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When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference

immediately. Don’t procrastinate, make excuses, or promise “I’ll

get around to it someday.” Schedule a face-to-face meeting as

soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes

matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to

fester.

Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The

Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship

with God and keeps our prayers from being answered,11 besides

making us miserable. Job’s friends reminded him, “To worry

yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to

do” and “You are only hurting yourself with your anger.” 12

The success of a peace conference often depends on choosing

the right time and place to meet. Don’t meet when either of you

are tired or rushed or will be interrupted. The best time is when

you both are at your best.

Sympathize with their feelings. Use your ears more than your

mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must

first listen to people’s feelings. Paul

advised, “Look out for one another’s

interests, not just for your own.” 13

The phrase “look out for” is the

Greek word skopos, from which we

form our words telescope and

microscope. It means pay close

attention! Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with

sympathy, not solutions.

Don’t try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen

and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. Nod

that you understand even when you don’t agree. Feelings are not

always true or logical. In fact, resentment makes us act and think

in foolish ways. David admitted, “When my thoughts were bitter

and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal.” 14 We all

act beastly when hurt.

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God expects you to make 

the first move. 

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In contrast, the Bible says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience;

it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” 15 Patience comes from

wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of

others. Listening says, “I value your opinion, I care about our

relationship, and you matter to me.” The cliché is true: People

don’t care what we know until they know we care.

To restore fellowship “we must bear the ‘burden’ of being

considerate of the doubts and fears of others. . . . Let’s please the other

fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good.” 16 It is a sacrifice

to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it’s

unfounded. But remember, this is what Jesus did for you. He

endured unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you: “Christ

did not indulge his own feelings . . . as scripture says: The insults of

those who insult you fall on me.” 17

Confess your part of the conflict. If you are serious about

restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your

own mistakes or sin. Jesus said it’s the way to see things

more clearly: “First get rid of the log from your own eye;

then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the

speck in your friend’s eye.” 18

Since we all have blind spots, you may need to

ask a third party to help you evaluate your own

actions before meeting with the person with whom

you have a conflict. Also ask God to show you how

much of the problem is your fault. Ask, “Am I the

problem? Am I being unrealistic, insensitive, or too sensitive?”

The Bible says, “If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling

ourselves.” 19

Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. Often the way

we handle a conflict creates a bigger hurt than the original

problem itself. When you begin by humbly admitting your

mistakes, it defuses the other person’s anger and disarms their

attack because they were probably expecting you to be defensive.

Don’t make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to

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any part you have played in the conflict. Accept responsibility for

your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.

Attack the problem, not the person. You cannot fix the

problem if you’re consumed with fixing the blame. You must

choose between the two. The Bible says, “A gentle response defuses

anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.” 20 You will never

get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely.

A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one. 

In resolving conflict, how you say it is as important as what you

say. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. God

tells us, “A wise, mature person is

known for his understanding. The

more pleasant his words, the more

persuasive he is.” 21 Nagging never

works. You are never persuasive

when you’re abrasive. 

During the Cold War, both sides

agreed that some weapons were so

destructive they should never be used. Today chemical and

biological weapons are banned, and the stockpiles of nuclear

weapons are being reduced and destroyed. For the sake of

fellowship, you must destroy your arsenal of relational nuclear

weapons, including condemning, belittling, comparing, labeling,

insulting, condescending, and being sarcastic. Paul sums it up this

way: “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind

that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will

do good to those who hear you.” 22

Cooperate as much as possible. Paul said, “Do everything

possible on your part to live in peace with everybody.” 23 Peace always

has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our

self-centeredness. For the sake of fellowship, do your best to

compromise, adjust to others, and show preference to what they

need.24 A paraphrase of Jesus’ seventh beatitude says, “You’re

blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete

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In resolving conflict, 

how you say it is as 

important as what you say.

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or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place

in God’s family.” 25

Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution. It is unrealistic to

expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses

on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem.

When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance

and often becomes irrelevant. 

We can reestablish a relationship even when we are unable to

resolve our differences. Christians often have legitimate, honest

disagreements and differing opinions, but we can disagree

without being disagreeable. The same diamond looks different

from different angles. God expects unity, not uniformity, and we

can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue.

This doesn’t mean you give up on finding a solution. You may

need to continue discussing and even debating—but you do it in

a spirit of harmony. Reconciliation means you bury the hatchet,

not necessarily the issue. 

Who do you need to contact as a result of this chapter? With

whom do you need to restore fellowship? Don’t delay another

second. Pause right now and talk to

God about that person. Then pick

up the phone and begin the

process. These seven steps are

simple, but they are not easy. It

takes a lot of effort to restore a

relationship. That’s why Peter

urged, “Work hard at living in peace

with others.” 26 But when you work for peace, you are doing what

God would do. That’s why God calls peacemakers his children.27

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Reconciliation focuses on the

relationship, while resolution

focuses on the problem. 

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Day Twenty

Thinking about My Purpose

Point to Ponder: Relationships are always worth

restoring.

Verse to Remember: “Do everything possible on your

part to live in peace with everybody.” 

Romans 12:18 (TEV)

Question to Consider: Who do I need to restore a

broken relationship with today?

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